First I would like to start with congratulating everyone for all there wins and good fortune, second I would like to say to everyone else who is having a hard time that I am truely sorry and my thoughts and prayers go out to you. I need to keep up on my posting but things just seem to keep going from bad to worse, I know this storm has got to break but I am not sure when. I need a little advice. recently after all the other mess , my daughter decided to brek up with her boyfriend of 2 years afte a violent episode and we supported nd comforted her, then she did a stupid thing and got back with him and moved in with him. Well then she broke up agiain and moved back home 2 more times and we were always there (and I always will be) but we told her we cannot support the violence, like any good parent would. Well come to find out, she had blown everything way out of proportion and it was not all him but the poor boy never stood a chance. Now since she has moved back in with him , her dad has pretty much diowned her. I love my husband, but in our 21 years of marriage he has never been the type of guy to show emotion, he will never hug you or touch you in any way (he did while we were dating) and he said the way he shows us (the family) how he loves us is by going out to work and providing , ok that is fine but children need some sort of hugs,kisses and emotion even if there 20 right? But it seemed he just flipped a switch like he never had a daughter. His mom is the same way. He has 3 other brothers but 1 committed suicide in 1979 and you would never know he existed. Dougs dad died in 1989, same there, only 1 picture of each of them and they are never talked about. I am having a hard time with this because I will never turn my back on my child no matter what but he expects me too and now it has caused problems between me and him. Well the other night we had a huge fight and I told him I didnt want to live another 20 years with him only touching me , well, you know, when he's in the mood, and he ask me what I meant , so I told him if he didnt show some emotions and accept his daughter that I just couldnt do it any more. He picked up the phone and called my daughter and told her that because she moved out that it was her fault that I wanted a divorce, what kind of a person does that?? He is just like his mother and I have tried for almost 22 years and I still have a 13 year old at home that I am willing to stay here for till he is just a little bit older but am I wrong or just totally insane (well i am a little insane, my whole side of the family is but in a good way). I am usually a happy go luck type of person and I want a little bit of that out of life and he does not. I want my children to be happy and am willing to sacrifice my happiness for theirs because they mean that much to me. Oh and by the way, I was only allowed to have 2 children because him and his mother made me get my tubes tied, anyone that has mother in law problems please come see me, i have evn more horror stories i can tell you that i have put up with, but am nearing the end of my rope. Thanks for listening and sorry for going on but I dont have too many people I can talk too, thay know everyone in this friggin town or are related to them.
Sorry I havent posted in a while
- Thread starter blord7777
- Start date
lidarkside
Active member
Your relationship with your children and with your husband are two different things. It sounds more to me that there are alot of marital issues here that you need to address for yourself and your well-being. I did that after nearly 20 years with my ex. It's very hard and difficult to deal with it, but you will survive and get through it either way. I am remarried and have the life I only fantasized about at one time.
Also, children are apt to repeat the mistakes of their parents. Focus on yourself and how you feel about your life and where it's going and address that first. Once you deal with and resolve your issues, you will be more likely to help your daughter better.
Also, children are apt to repeat the mistakes of their parents. Focus on yourself and how you feel about your life and where it's going and address that first. Once you deal with and resolve your issues, you will be more likely to help your daughter better.
I am so sorry that you are going through all of this! It is so hard when people get into these type of situations, trust me, I know. Your husband and mine could be twins I do believe, and I will tell you that you will never understand him. It is impossible to understand a person like that, but you have to realize that you can't make them feel any other way either. I know it seems hopeless.
Playing your daughter against you is just crazy and a way to make you feel even worse. Don't let it work. You are going to have to be strong and take time to figure out where you want to go from here. If you are anything like me it isn't an easy answer. Just remember that you are important and that you deserve happiness also!
I have a lot more that I would love to talk to you about, but I have people around right now and can't really type freely. Just know that I am praying for you and that I am here for you my friend. I will send you my contact information and you can call me if you want and I will listen to you if you need a friend at any time. Don't ever feel alone. If it wasn't for my friends on here I think I would be crazy at times...remember that you have us!
Tammy
Playing your daughter against you is just crazy and a way to make you feel even worse. Don't let it work. You are going to have to be strong and take time to figure out where you want to go from here. If you are anything like me it isn't an easy answer. Just remember that you are important and that you deserve happiness also!
I have a lot more that I would love to talk to you about, but I have people around right now and can't really type freely. Just know that I am praying for you and that I am here for you my friend. I will send you my contact information and you can call me if you want and I will listen to you if you need a friend at any time. Don't ever feel alone. If it wasn't for my friends on here I think I would be crazy at times...remember that you have us!
Tammy
I am really sorry that you are having such a hard time. I will say also that your marriage comes first. I am sure you had some sort of idea what your husband was like when you married him so although it's hard to deal with at times men do tend to not be very emotional. It also sounds like you are both dealing with the stress of your daughters situation. I have found that as much as I love my grown daughters I have to let go to a certain extent and let them live their lives. One more thing I might suggest is to maybe ask yourself this question. What am I doing to cause the problems in my marriage? We all just need to look in the mirror at times and examine ourselves.
I am definetly not a marriage counselor and I hope you can find a way to work through all these tough times you are having. I can and will say a prayer for you. You are not alone because my husband is very much like yours. I call him a cold fish sometimes but I accept that he is this way and love him faults and all just like he accepts my faults.
I am definetly not a marriage counselor and I hope you can find a way to work through all these tough times you are having. I can and will say a prayer for you. You are not alone because my husband is very much like yours. I call him a cold fish sometimes but I accept that he is this way and love him faults and all just like he accepts my faults.
I wish I could help you--you sound like you could use some good advice. I can't offer good advice (I am in a relatively young marriage of 6 years) but can always offer a ear to listen (or in this case, eyes to read).
My mom was in a horrible relationship for many years, through my teenage years, with my stepfather. He was not physically abusive, as far as I know, but was mentally abusive and his family was one of most horrendous I have seen. It sounds like your MIL is quite a peach. So was this man's mom.
Again, I am so sorry you are going through this. Just decide that your happiness is just as important as the happiness of those around you, or even more so. If you are happy and doing the things you love and make you feel right, then others will see this and follow suit. Maybe if you talk to your husband more about this, and show your daughter that it's OK to be strong and to ask for what you want, she will too.
I am sending lots of happy thoughts your way.
I know you'll get through this.
Have to go-my dog is trying to eat play-doh.
My mom was in a horrible relationship for many years, through my teenage years, with my stepfather. He was not physically abusive, as far as I know, but was mentally abusive and his family was one of most horrendous I have seen. It sounds like your MIL is quite a peach. So was this man's mom.
Again, I am so sorry you are going through this. Just decide that your happiness is just as important as the happiness of those around you, or even more so. If you are happy and doing the things you love and make you feel right, then others will see this and follow suit. Maybe if you talk to your husband more about this, and show your daughter that it's OK to be strong and to ask for what you want, she will too.
I am sending lots of happy thoughts your way.
I know you'll get through this.
Have to go-my dog is trying to eat play-doh.
tharedhead
New member
Another avenue you may wish to consider is seeking out low or no cost therapy options in your area. Talking to someone can really help. Many Churches offer relationship counseling for free or sliding scale. If your local college or university has a social work or psych program the students have to practice on somebody 
It can be good to have a "sounding board" to help sort things out. Most Crisis lines have a list of local resources. Or I will be happy to look stuff up for you if you PM me your general area :sunny:
It can be good to have a "sounding board" to help sort things out. Most Crisis lines have a list of local resources. Or I will be happy to look stuff up for you if you PM me your general area :sunny:
tobby1
New member
I really have no answers for you, and no great advice. I will say prayers for you and your family. And one other thing, you said you would stay awhile for the 13 year old, My parents stayed together for the children, and I can honestly say it made the children miserable to listen to and see all the unhappiness. But I really feel people give up on marriage much to soon, and worry to much about only their being happy. the grass is not always greener, or happy on the other side of the fence. I also think counseling would be a good option for you both, or just you if he won't go. This is all just my opinion, take what you can use leave the rest, and like everyone else I would be glad to listen any time. Good luck and Gods love to you and your family
d_asian_guy
New member
You may not want to realize this, but you are in an abusive relationship. Abuse is not just physical, it's mental.
I came from a loving, wonderful and very BIG family. My father rarely raised his voice, my Mom was amazing. THey loved each other so much. They still do
I was in a very abusive relationship for almost 7 1/2 years. From the time I was 15, I was dating a guy off and on. It ended about a 3 years ago but it's very, very hard to get out of that mentality of being a punching bag.
Rick was rarely abusive in a physical way. So, in my eyes, it really wasn't abuse.
Mostly what he did was make me feel worthless. He didn't work, did drugs, ruined my credit, stole our money but made me feel like I was nothing at all. And I had a degree, had a good job and lots of friends.
My family hated him, my friends couldn't stand him and in honesty, I didn't love him at all. But for reasons that only an abused person would know, I stayed with him.
I came up with a lot of excuses to stay and rarely stood up to him.
We finally broke up after he and my father got in a physical altercation, started by Rick. And Rick demanded I leave with him. It was when I finally said 'enough.'
But I really didn't know how to be in a good relationship or even how to HAVE a good one.
The day I met Michael for the second time, I went to get my car fixed. Rick had come and visited and stole my checkbook. He stole all the money I had, over $5,000.
I felt totally helpless. Even tho we had been apart for over 3 years, he still had some kind of hold over me that I couldnt' explain.
Michael took care of the bills that day and within days, I moved in.
But I tried so hard to be perfect around Michael after that. I felt like if I didn't he'd leave me. And I was an emotional mess the first few weeks.
Michael has amazing amount of patience.
He also got me counseling with the psychologist who had counseled him when his parents were killed and John died.
At first, I really resisted. I thought "I'm not crazy" and was ashamed to go. MIchael went with me for the first few sessions, mostly for moral support.. and to make sure I DID go :laughing:
I still go every month for a session. I can not tell you how much it's helped me to open my eyes about what I allowed and why I allowed it.
I really, really, REALLY suggest getting counseling for you and the kids. Your kids have learned some really bad lessons and styaing in the house for them isn't a good idea. They are more opt to seeing being abused, abusing drugs and suicide as all normal the longer you stay.
And I don't agree the marriage is first. YOU need to be first.
That was something I had to learn.
There are many low cost options for counseling. GO yourself. If he wants to save his marriage, he will go.
Don't be shocked if he won't go. My counselor said that most times, they know they have a problem and won't go becuase they do not want to change.
I came from a loving, wonderful and very BIG family. My father rarely raised his voice, my Mom was amazing. THey loved each other so much. They still do
I was in a very abusive relationship for almost 7 1/2 years. From the time I was 15, I was dating a guy off and on. It ended about a 3 years ago but it's very, very hard to get out of that mentality of being a punching bag.
Rick was rarely abusive in a physical way. So, in my eyes, it really wasn't abuse.
Mostly what he did was make me feel worthless. He didn't work, did drugs, ruined my credit, stole our money but made me feel like I was nothing at all. And I had a degree, had a good job and lots of friends.
My family hated him, my friends couldn't stand him and in honesty, I didn't love him at all. But for reasons that only an abused person would know, I stayed with him.
I came up with a lot of excuses to stay and rarely stood up to him.
We finally broke up after he and my father got in a physical altercation, started by Rick. And Rick demanded I leave with him. It was when I finally said 'enough.'
But I really didn't know how to be in a good relationship or even how to HAVE a good one.
The day I met Michael for the second time, I went to get my car fixed. Rick had come and visited and stole my checkbook. He stole all the money I had, over $5,000.
I felt totally helpless. Even tho we had been apart for over 3 years, he still had some kind of hold over me that I couldnt' explain.
Michael took care of the bills that day and within days, I moved in.
But I tried so hard to be perfect around Michael after that. I felt like if I didn't he'd leave me. And I was an emotional mess the first few weeks.
Michael has amazing amount of patience.
He also got me counseling with the psychologist who had counseled him when his parents were killed and John died.
At first, I really resisted. I thought "I'm not crazy" and was ashamed to go. MIchael went with me for the first few sessions, mostly for moral support.. and to make sure I DID go :laughing:
I still go every month for a session. I can not tell you how much it's helped me to open my eyes about what I allowed and why I allowed it.
I really, really, REALLY suggest getting counseling for you and the kids. Your kids have learned some really bad lessons and styaing in the house for them isn't a good idea. They are more opt to seeing being abused, abusing drugs and suicide as all normal the longer you stay.
And I don't agree the marriage is first. YOU need to be first.
That was something I had to learn.
There are many low cost options for counseling. GO yourself. If he wants to save his marriage, he will go.
Don't be shocked if he won't go. My counselor said that most times, they know they have a problem and won't go becuase they do not want to change.
tharedhead
New member
Yup, they're always the ones who don't need any help. No matter what the problem is, its the other person's fault, not theirs....:cussing:
d_asian_guy
New member
Unfortunatly, that's true.
Michael had it all set up for Rick to go to Crossroads for help. He paid for everything. Rick promised he'd be at the airport. He never showed up.
I called him and he of course said he never wanted to go and kept blaming me for pushing him to go somewhere that he didnt' need to go.
It's the last time we ever spoke. And I still feel a little guilty but realize he is a grown man who has made decisions and has to be the one to say "I need help."
By stating your marriage comes first my point being is that if someone is in a commitment and want to make a relationship work then they have to put that relationship first. If our relationship is strong then we can help our children to succeed in life by showing them an example of what it means to be in a good relationship. I also think we can't really give the best advice because we are only hearing one side of the story. Talking to someone would be the best course of action for you and your husband IMO. I personally have learned from my own experience that we need to think of others involved in any argument. I know that all of us have different opinions probably based on our own experiences so I really do hope you and your family are able to work everything out.
3mnkids1
New member
sorry you are going through a hard time. Here is my 2 cents.
The not showing emotion thing... Im that person. I have to make a conscious effort to show affection to my family. Its not an easy thing for me. He sounds like he is the same way. I bet he loves you and your children very much he just doesnt know how to show it. From the sounds of it his mother is that way and thats why he is the way he is. you need to find a way to compromise.
This is what my husband and I do... He doesnt give me a hard time about it and when he does hug me I hold on a little longer than what is comfortable for me. We compromised. :laughing: Talk to him, tell him how it makes you feel. Dont yell or scream or start the conversation when you are already fighting about something.
About your daughter.. It sounds like he is worried about her and thinks that if he calls her and makes her feel bad she will come home. Thats not going to work. Your daughter is grown and has to make her own mistakes. You still have a young child at home so the home environment must come first. Talk to him. one night after dinner when everything is calm and you arent fighting just talk to him. Tell him how you are feeling.. You may have to do it more than once as men arent exactly the best listeners.
only you know how bad the situation really is and if its worth trying to save it. I hope it works out for you, no matter what you decide to do.
Here is my 2 cents. The not showing emotion thing... Im that person. I have to make a conscious effort to show affection to my family. Its not an easy thing for me. He sounds like he is the same way. I bet he loves you and your children very much he just doesnt know how to show it. From the sounds of it his mother is that way and thats why he is the way he is. you need to find a way to compromise.
This is what my husband and I do... He doesnt give me a hard time about it and when he does hug me I hold on a little longer than what is comfortable for me. We compromised. :laughing: Talk to him, tell him how it makes you feel. Dont yell or scream or start the conversation when you are already fighting about something.
About your daughter.. It sounds like he is worried about her and thinks that if he calls her and makes her feel bad she will come home. Thats not going to work. Your daughter is grown and has to make her own mistakes. You still have a young child at home so the home environment must come first. Talk to him. one night after dinner when everything is calm and you arent fighting just talk to him. Tell him how you are feeling.. You may have to do it more than once as men arent exactly the best listeners.
only you know how bad the situation really is and if its worth trying to save it. I hope it works out for you, no matter what you decide to do.
tharedhead
New member
Reactive attachment disorder is an interesting a controversial dx...
http://emedicine.medscape.com/article/915447-overview
http://emedicine.medscape.com/article/915447-overview
Re: Sorry I havent posted in a while Update
Thank you guys for all the advice and support, you have no idea what it means to me.
Here is the update: Yesterday I was feeling a little froggy so I decided to approach my husband and ask the big question: what is going to happen to us, of course his answer was "I dont know, what do you want to do." So I let all of my feelings go. I told him that for us to be a family it needs to be all of us, regardless of who OUR daughter chooses to be with. I also had to remind him that we got married at 18 , and no one could stop us and we also acted like fools. We also had huge fights and went crying and screaming back to our parents like idiots and they still supported us. Therefore he needs to remember that and let go of some of his pride and renew his relationship with his daughter. And do you know what he said to me, I just about feel on the floor, he said I was right. I am still in shock, and wait it gets better, I also told him he could not shut out Nathan (daughters boyfriend) and he said that he would even work on that. Now I am not sure but all of you said you were going to pray for me and my situation so either that work or I did fall on the floor and hit my head hard and am dreaming.LOL. Thank you so much for your prayers, I had been doing alot of praying myself (I do pray everyday anyway but this was extra praying).
I also spoke to my husband about showing his feelings a little more, I told him it did not have to be all the time, I am not trying to make him into someone else, just a little compliment once in a while. I do not expect flowers everyday or all the touchy feely stuff all the time, i definately dont want that, I just want a kind work or a little note left, nothing elaborate or anything that he has to go out and spend money on, I am a simple gal. And I will do the same. I guess just repect. Also that way his son will see it and know how to treat a woman when he gets older.
Thank you guys again, I dont know what I would do without you, you are truely the best!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thank you guys for all the advice and support, you have no idea what it means to me.
Here is the update: Yesterday I was feeling a little froggy so I decided to approach my husband and ask the big question: what is going to happen to us, of course his answer was "I dont know, what do you want to do." So I let all of my feelings go. I told him that for us to be a family it needs to be all of us, regardless of who OUR daughter chooses to be with. I also had to remind him that we got married at 18 , and no one could stop us and we also acted like fools. We also had huge fights and went crying and screaming back to our parents like idiots and they still supported us. Therefore he needs to remember that and let go of some of his pride and renew his relationship with his daughter. And do you know what he said to me, I just about feel on the floor, he said I was right. I am still in shock, and wait it gets better, I also told him he could not shut out Nathan (daughters boyfriend) and he said that he would even work on that. Now I am not sure but all of you said you were going to pray for me and my situation so either that work or I did fall on the floor and hit my head hard and am dreaming.LOL. Thank you so much for your prayers, I had been doing alot of praying myself (I do pray everyday anyway but this was extra praying).
I also spoke to my husband about showing his feelings a little more, I told him it did not have to be all the time, I am not trying to make him into someone else, just a little compliment once in a while. I do not expect flowers everyday or all the touchy feely stuff all the time, i definately dont want that, I just want a kind work or a little note left, nothing elaborate or anything that he has to go out and spend money on, I am a simple gal. And I will do the same. I guess just repect. Also that way his son will see it and know how to treat a woman when he gets older.
Thank you guys again, I dont know what I would do without you, you are truely the best!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I'm very glad you two talked things out and I hope and pray you continue to work on your relationship. It's not easy being with someone else and learning to deal with all the quirks but in the end it's worth it if you are in a committed relationship. Prayer is a powerful thing no doubt. God bless.