Is my wife cheating???
- Thread starter gerardp
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champagne
New member
100% Agreed.... As a man Ger, you have feelings too, not just your wife (or women for that matter).. men have emotions and feelings too, and something like this in my opinion is pure devistation, especially when you said you never would have thought if anyone would do something like this, it would be her.. you said yourself in your original post, you thought it would be you .... and when that proved to be the exact opposite, apparently reality set-in for you .... you hurt because you were betrayed and you love the one who did it... and you both have ties... kids .... whatever decision you make Ger.... make it the right one... like i said earlier... make decisions for yourself and not for the people around you ... you know what's best for you and the kids .... whatever it is , good luck and again, we are here for ya... SA has always been here for me ...... and now we are here for u..... PM anyone of us if need be..... try and be strong and think logically, it's all you got
I agree and as a parent we are supposed to set a good example for our children. I am by no means perfect but when an affair takes place in a relationship that person who cheated is being selfish and not thinking of the children's needs. They are only focusing on their needs. Now if the couple divorce and they move on then there may be a time when they will put their family first again. Sure the cheater loves thier children but they are not in the best place to parent when they are being deceptive.
Gerard I really do hope things can get back to some sense of calm for you and your children soon.
completelyme
New member
How so? Do they forget to feed them or something? How exactly does it affect their parenting? Deception can mean a lot of things. I deceive my hubby every so often by telling him we're out of butter just so I can go clothes shopping. Does that equate to me not being able to parent? Or by being a bad parent?
ndgal3369
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I dont think lying about being out of butter is quite on the same level of deception as having an affair...let's be realistic here OK! Anytime you have children and are having an affair you are NOT being a good parent because what happens because of your actions affects those children in a negative way...divorce is NEVER easy on a child and when they find out why their parents are getting a divorce is even harder on them...children trust their parents...I dont know how old his children are...but what if one of them had walked in on their mother or came home early from being gone or some situatioon like that, it would be devastating to a child....to me if you are not happy in a marriage you need to leave before you do something like this....but this is just my opinion!
completelyme
New member
I'm not talking about her children walking in on her. That would be devastating to a child I agree. I am asking how does it affect her day-to-day parenting of her children? Why should she be stripped of her right to her children because she had an affair and how does having an affair keep her from being a good, nurturing mother? She's an irresponsible mother at best for having an affair. Not a bad one. You having an affair does not equate to you being a bad mother who can't go on raising her children the same as she has. It doesn't affect her parenting whatsoever.
I don't think you guys are getting what I'm saying. It makes her a poo wife for having an affair and it makes her an irresponsible mother for breaking up the family, but it does not affect her ability to parent her children. None whatsoever. She can still cook, clean, help with homework, take them to practice, and love them and nurture them. To me, a bad mother would be a mother who neglects her kids. A mother who neglects her kids while smoking crack and leaving them to fend for themselves. A mother who continues to turn the other cheek when her children are being abused and/or molested. Those are examples of bad mothering. Having an affair is not one of them.
miki
New member
I totally get what you are saying and I agree with this post. Some of your posts did confuse me a little (hey, what can I say? I'm easily confused) but, it doesn't make her a bad mother, just a bad wife and irresponsible mother.
OP, I am very sorry for all you are going through and I wish you the best.
completelyme
New member
Miki, thanks for being honest and I'm glad you agree. I was starting to wonder why I was the only one viewing it this way. I must not have explained my stance on it very well.
Ripping her children away from her doesn't just punish her, it more so punishes the children. That too is not right and is devastating for the children as well.
I don't post much about my personal life experience because well, it's personal. I really don't see much of anyone posting personal life experiences/mistakes/incidents so, I'm going to be the first.
Years ago, hubby had a fling. I found out about it and kicked him out. Mother took him in LOL Anyways, while he was at work I got to thinking, Damn! What about the boys? This ain't gonna work. Hubby had always put the boys first. Loved them more than he loved himself. Got up in the middle of the night with them, fed them, changed them, came home to us every night for the past 6 years, you name it. Not just a great dad but a hands-on dad. I had to make some decisions, not just take my sweet time deciding what I was gonna do about the affair, but about how I was going to make it work for him and the boys. There was no way I was going to rip them from their dad. There was no way I was going to deduce hubby's parenting to a part-time, get-them-on-the-weekends dad. Not fair to hubby but especially not fair to the boys.
The boys were with me during the day while hubby worked and when he came home I went to work and the boys were with him. In our home. Well, there and Mother's because she lives right next door to me and they'd all go over and visit with her. It worked. There were days I couldn't stomach hubby but I knew I had made the right decision. Living with each other during this time also allowed us to eventually talk things out like rational and mature adults. Now granted, it wasn't overnight and it wasn't easy. But I/we did it for the boys.
I'm not suggesting Gerard do what we did. I'm merely trying to show where I'm coming from concerning the mother. I know she was a selfish %^$# and I know she wasn't thinking of the children. I get that. But to call her a bad mother isn't right.
Let me take it a step further and ask you guys what would you think of the parents if they were swingers? What if a couple with children had an open relationship where they had sex with other people. Not out whore-dogging. Not in front of the kids, obviously, but on their own time, like when grandma and grandpa kept them overnight. Does that make them bad parents?
Gerard,
I've followed this thread off and on, and I have a few questions if you don't mind. If I'm being too nosy, then please forgive me.
1.) Where were the kids when this was going on?
2.) How long have you been married? I get the impression it's been a long while since you mentioned you have been together since your teens.
3.) Were there problems going on in the marriage before this? It seems odd that a woman you felt was totally devoted to you would suddenly have an affair. Stress makes people do strange things, and I'm wondering if she was under stress or if there were problems going on.
4.) HOW IN THE WORLD did you get through watching the video over such a long length of time? I know I would have been watching that thing from start to finish in one sitting. You must have the patience of a Saint.
5.) Has there been any talk of counseling? Do you want to try to save your marriage or is that a no go? I'm not judging either way, so please don't think that. Maybe counseling for yourself would be a good idea so you can think clearly and make the best choices for yourself and your children.
On a side note to completelyme....I completely agree with what you are saying. Just think of how many men don't get to see their children because the ex takes out her anger on the husband by denying the children visits with their father. I also agree that cheating does not make you a bad mother. Also, we know nothing about the circumstances except what has been told to us. None of us know whether she is a good mother or not, just like we don't know whether the father is.
Gerard, you haven't mentioned anything about her being a neglectful mother, so I'm assuming the children are well taken care of by her. Please don't let your anger destroy the relationship between your children and their mother. This was done to you, not them.
I wish you luck and hope everything works out for the best.
I've followed this thread off and on, and I have a few questions if you don't mind. If I'm being too nosy, then please forgive me.
1.) Where were the kids when this was going on?
2.) How long have you been married? I get the impression it's been a long while since you mentioned you have been together since your teens.
3.) Were there problems going on in the marriage before this? It seems odd that a woman you felt was totally devoted to you would suddenly have an affair. Stress makes people do strange things, and I'm wondering if she was under stress or if there were problems going on.
4.) HOW IN THE WORLD did you get through watching the video over such a long length of time? I know I would have been watching that thing from start to finish in one sitting. You must have the patience of a Saint.
5.) Has there been any talk of counseling? Do you want to try to save your marriage or is that a no go? I'm not judging either way, so please don't think that. Maybe counseling for yourself would be a good idea so you can think clearly and make the best choices for yourself and your children.
On a side note to completelyme....I completely agree with what you are saying. Just think of how many men don't get to see their children because the ex takes out her anger on the husband by denying the children visits with their father. I also agree that cheating does not make you a bad mother. Also, we know nothing about the circumstances except what has been told to us. None of us know whether she is a good mother or not, just like we don't know whether the father is.
Gerard, you haven't mentioned anything about her being a neglectful mother, so I'm assuming the children are well taken care of by her. Please don't let your anger destroy the relationship between your children and their mother. This was done to you, not them.
I wish you luck and hope everything works out for the best.
I think this thread is becoming about something else besides a support thread so I would like to get back to being supportive for a fellow sweeper. I really do hope that everyone involved will be able to do what's best for the children. If there is anything I can say to you gerard please let me know. Divorce is very hard and we are here for you even if all you want is to vent.
Cindy
Cindy
tiffandrock
Active member
"You held your cool, for your kids. And thats awesome. Your wife sounds like a witch. The fact that she wasn't even upset at what she had been doing, is messed up. I hope that everything goes your way, because you sounds like the better parent for your kids."
Ok I guess thats what your talking about completely. That was my post before. I didn't say she was a bad mother. I just stated my opionion about him being the better parent. Because it seemed she didn't seem to care, about cheating on him, whatever. And that he held his cool around his kids. That takes a strong person to do.
We don't know the whole situation. And I also tried to pm him, and he didn't respond. Maybe we should just close this thread, because it seems to be an upsetting topic. I was not trying to be judgemental or anything. I was just trying to show some support for him.
Ok I guess thats what your talking about completely. That was my post before. I didn't say she was a bad mother. I just stated my opionion about him being the better parent. Because it seemed she didn't seem to care, about cheating on him, whatever. And that he held his cool around his kids. That takes a strong person to do.
We don't know the whole situation. And I also tried to pm him, and he didn't respond. Maybe we should just close this thread, because it seems to be an upsetting topic. I was not trying to be judgemental or anything. I was just trying to show some support for him.
tharedhead
New member
And another very important question I would like to ask-has your wife recently started on any new medications, most importantly any medications for what is called "Restless Leg Syndrome". The medications for restless leg syndrome have been linked to both compulsive gambling, and hypersexual behavior.
http://www.injuryboard.com/national...arkinson39s-drug-mirapex.aspx?googleid=245006
Also, has she recently been experiencing any headaches, had any falls (however minor) automobile accidents (however minor) dental procedures, complaints of illness, running a fever, night sweats.
Were you ever with a prostitute before your marriage?
Any damage to the limbic system (in the brain) can cause hypersexual behavior. Syphilis, which she could've contacted from you if you were sexually active before marriage, can manifest in the later stages as odd, hypersexual behavior.
Then, of course, there are brain tumors, metabolic diseases....
When people suddenly engage in unusual behavior there may be any underlying medical cause. Or the next door neighbor just may be very seductive.
also, I had to look up what a "panty waist" is
http://www.randomhouse.com/wotd/index.pperl?date=19990427
Thanks for that because so many expressions lately I am wondering what exactly that means. :scratch:
I guess I should say something, seeing as how I started all this. It has been interesting reading all of the replies and comments. There are some things I need to state for the record:
I don't believe my soon to be ex-wife is a bad mother. I do believe she has made a decision that will have long lasting effects on our children. I think that when you become a parent, your whole life's focus should shift to the well being of your children. Like I said before, there were times when female co-workers flat out let me know that they would sleep with me if I wanted to. I always blew them off because I knew how much it would hurt my kids.
Look, if my wife had just come to me and said "I'm interested in women", I would have said fine, let's get a divorce and you can do what you want. The fact that she did not give me that choice is what kills me. At some point in our lives, my children are going to ask why we got divorced, and once again she will have put me in an excrutiating position. So I'll let you decide if she is a bad mother or not, but my kids will ultimately make that decision.
I don't believe my soon to be ex-wife is a bad mother. I do believe she has made a decision that will have long lasting effects on our children. I think that when you become a parent, your whole life's focus should shift to the well being of your children. Like I said before, there were times when female co-workers flat out let me know that they would sleep with me if I wanted to. I always blew them off because I knew how much it would hurt my kids.
Look, if my wife had just come to me and said "I'm interested in women", I would have said fine, let's get a divorce and you can do what you want. The fact that she did not give me that choice is what kills me. At some point in our lives, my children are going to ask why we got divorced, and once again she will have put me in an excrutiating position. So I'll let you decide if she is a bad mother or not, but my kids will ultimately make that decision.
jsanders98
Member
WOW! I responded to this thread early on and completely could not find it when I was looking for it again. So I was eager to read this today once I found it again and see what had happened after Gerarpd had put up the cameras! Wow! I suspected the best friend, but not the best friends wife!! I am so sorry. That was a double whammy for sure! It sounds like you took the high road when you did confront your wife and that is always the best road to take. When you are in the right, there is no need to argue and no reason to be ugly. You and your children will be all right. And when the time comes for the truth to come out and the kids want to know the reason - tell them to ask her. Let her deal with it. Best of luck to you and your children.
Hi guys. I can't believe so many people responded to my story. I wanted to thank everyone who took the time to share their opinion. I am now faced with yet another dilemma. I have officially filed for divorce. I am still living with my aunt at the moment. My wife and I have been good about splitting time with the kids. We still have not told them the truth. All I asked of my wife is that she not be around my kids with her "girlfriend". She thankfully agreed. Anyway, last night my wife shows up at the doorstep crying and begging me to forgive her. She says that she was just going through some things and now wants our family back together. I'm really confused. I would like our family to stay in tact, but there is no way I'm going to be able to forget everything that she has done to me and our kids. How do I know she's not really gay and some other woman will just come and sweep her off her feet. Not only that, I've actually met a really nice woman. We met at the coffee shop and have been emailing and texting frequently. The only problem is she is eighteen years old(I'm in my thirties). I actually feel great when I'm with her, but I may just be going through something myself. She keeps asking if she can come over to the house(my aunt moved back to Florida, so I'm alone in there). Part of me wants to give in to her. I'm not sure I would be doing it out of desire for her, or me wanting revenge against my wife. I don't know what to do.
:wave: Thanks for the update. Glad to hear that you and your wife are at least thinking about the children. You have every reason to not trust that your wife will find someone else and take up with them. The trust has to be earned. You and your wife should really seek counseling before you go thru with the divorce. You can always ask to put the divorce on a hold. You have alot vested to not give it your all before throwing in the towel.
As far as starting up with an 18 year old (check her ID before going any further) "WHAT ARE YOU THINKING?" :crazytongue: There I said what everyone else is thinking!! You can't possibly start something new yet.
As far as starting up with an 18 year old (check her ID before going any further) "WHAT ARE YOU THINKING?" :crazytongue: There I said what everyone else is thinking!! You can't possibly start something new yet.
3mnkids1
New member
Happy to hear you are feeling better and moving on with your life. however, like you said you are going through some things.. An Eighteen yr old doesnt have a clue, sorry.. :laughing: why drag her into a mess she is not ready for and could just hurt her. Besides, that is one sure way to really tick off your wife and it doesnt really look good to others either. I understand she is an adult, legally.. but Its just not right.
Im sure you will do whats best for you and your children. good luck to you.
Im sure you will do whats best for you and your children. good luck to you.
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