Been going through a lot...

ping1970

ping1970

Mimi & Nee to Tanius, Aryia, Tobi, Ezra, & Tilly J
Sweepstakes Plus Subscriber
Hi guys :wave:

Some of you may have noticed that I have been gone...a lot! I have come back and read some forums and recently posted in a couple, but compared to normal I have been absent...well, there are many reasons for this. I have made a major decision in my life ~ I am filing for divorce. I know many of you know that I haven't been happy for a long, long time. When I sat down and really examined the way things were I realized that I don't think my kids have really ever saw me happy. Not really happy. So I have a meeting with an attorney tomorrow afternoon.

Jimmie is in shock. I don't think he is sad, because I believe he was unhappy also. Ashelyn is taking it really well. She says she just wants us to happy (and wants me to find a house with 3 bathrooms ~ lol). Caitlyn, on the other hand, is having a really rough time with it. She is really mad at me right now, which is killing me, because we were so close.

I have decided to go to school in the fall. I think I am going to get a 2 year degree to be an Occupational Therapy Assistant. The though of working with developmental delayed children seems right to me. I might change my mind, but it feels like the right fit.

Now for the part that everyone is fussing at me over. I am the one that is leaving. I am taking the girls and moving out. I am leaving him in a paid for house with a great paying job...we just redid almost the whole inside...all new appliances and I am walking away from it. I am also leaving his retirement alone. And he has even talked me into not asking for the full amount of child support. I know it isn't right. We have been married for 17 years and I am walking out with nothing. I had a good job that he made me quit...I don't know what I am trying to do...I don't know if I am trying to talk myself into fighting for more or what. He told me that he wouldn't be able to pay rent on someplace...and I can? I don't have a job. I just would feel guilty taking away what he has worked for all this time...any thoughts? And please no one bash one another for opinions...I am just asking for thoughts here and some heavy praying!! I really need it right now ~ all of us do!!
 
First of all, especially with Caitlyn, all will pass and all will be good. Believe me, I went through a similar situation.

However, in my opinion, you are playing off of your guilt by not taking anything from Jimmie. You wouldn't be taking anything other than what is yours to begin with. Half of everything is yours, and you should file for half of all assets including his retirement fund. You should also file for child support. It's both of your responsibilities to support them financially, not just yours.

I think that if you don't file for what is rightfully yours and what your children are entitled to, your going to regret it immensely down the road.

I'm here if you need a shoulder! :love:
 
Well first of all let me say I am sorry to hear about you and your husband but I know it happens and I have been divorced so I just will mention that my prayers are with you and the kids. It is the hardest on them. As for the child support yes you should get as much as you need for the children. They need to be well provided for. Last you were here for the most part you said he was loosing his job but it seems like that worked out so he should be able to pay child support. I really hope and pray you will be ok and I am sure you will but divorce is hard on everyone. If you need to talk to me for any reason let me know I can be a good listener. God bless
 
Tammy,

LDS has stated it clearly and I agree. I know a few women who have done it the way you plan, and they regret it.

You say that you are the one leaving, but you are both unhappy. You have the courage to do what needs to be done, and you do not have to pay for this in guilt and suffer more, unable to provide for yourself and your girls. It is not easy to make choices without emotion getting in the way, but that is one thing that your lawyer should be able to help you with.

Hugs,

r
 
I forgot to ask have you guys considered counseling? I guess I just wondered if this is what you really wanted. Sometimes there may be hope for couples before they take this final step.
 
jaxwinner; said:
As a man I'd say he would probably sell the property anyway. Who wants to stay in places that remind them all the time of old memories if the relationship is bust.
Click to expand...

My ex and his new wife! :scratch:
 
I don't know...I just think that half seems so unfair. I guess because he was working...I had a good job when we got married, but he made me quit. It just seems so unfair for me to take half. I don't know. This how I have been doing for days...
 
ping1970 said:
I don't know...I just think that half seems so unfair. I guess because he was working...I had a good job when we got married, but he made me quit. It just seems so unfair for me to take half. I don't know. This how I have been doing for days...
Click to expand...

I hadn't worked since 1994. Yet, I cleaned house, cooked, did laundry, took care of the children, worked in the yard, did the shopping, and a hundred million other things. If you would equate a housewife's work to a salary, more times than not, it would far exceed the salary the spouse is making.

The work you put into the house and marriage is worth far more than you can imagine it. Don't diminish that in thinking you don't deserve to take what is rightfully yours.
 
When I left my first husband I didn't want anything but to take care of the girls. I didn't fight him for anything and in the long run it worked out for all of us. He and I have remained friends and that's been 20 years ago. Each situation is different though so I guess you need to do what you feel is best in the end for everyone involved.
 
I honestly can't imagine walking away from property I owned and leaving it to the ex. I'd have myself and my children to think of, and it would be in our best interest and for our welfare to take what I rightfully owned--financially speaking. I worked my butt off around the house, and I don't consider my time invested worthless.
 
My old job is gone now (it was 16 years ago...). I loved that job. I would go back in a heartbeat. I can get assistance when I go to school so I know that there is help out there. Got to see what all I can get help with. We have scraped for years to pay off everything. We owe on nothing but a couple of minor doctors bills. I know my time is worth something. I have to be able to live with myself and keep myself safe also...there is a fine line there. I just have to figure out what to do about it...
 
Dont agree to anything until you see an attorney. You can not leave without something. you have 17 years invested and have just as much right to the house as he does. Thats crazy.
 
I tend to ramble/lecture/write like a business letter, and I apologize. Your post struck such a chord with me, though...

You need a BIG hug. I've been through exactly what you're going through, except with only one child - she was 8 at the time.

I was married for 14 of our 18+ years together, until I had to evacuate the marriage (just like a hurricane evacuation...laughing.) I was a fulltime homemaker for 11 years, had no emotional or financial support anywhere, didn't ask for alimony because he couldn't afford it, and I signed over my half of the house and everything else to pay half the bills he'd run up over the years. He was kind enough to give me enough money for the last month's utility bills, etc. and moving expenses since I hadn't yet found a job.

My little girl and I moved out with our personal belongings, some old furniture, a 4 year old car he'd bought me, and no job prospects. That was fine with me, though. After all, he'd earned the money the past decade by himself. I neglected to factor in the immaculate house I'd kept, the gardening I did, raising our child basically by myself, the several-course-homecooked meals 29 days a month I cooked, all the errands I ran for him, the paperwork and everything else I did for us over all the years. Heck, just being nice to his friends and his family should have netted me mega-bucks! LOL (I made sure he just had to work and putter around in the yard at his leisure without any real chores at home - after all, he treated me well and we loved each other until near the end of our time together.)

I have never been happier with life since the day of my divorce. I got a job and started work two weeks after moving out. My daughter worried about our future at first, but I was determined it would be a good one, and all in all, it's been GREAT. I learned a lot about myself and the world in general, and I smile almost all the time now. Life is so good!

However...as much as you want to take it easy on him, I know the courts where I live have a formula they use to determine who pays what amount of child support, using the number of children, and the percentage of the total income of both of you. In your situation, please don't negotiate the child support, because that is his financial responbility to ensure his children's welfare. I'm not trying to tell you what to do, of course, but having been in your shoes, had I seen what was coming for us, I'd have at least made sure my daughter didn't have to worry about having food to eat when an emergency financial situation came up.

It takes strength and resolve to make such a life-changing decision, but sometimes it's the best option available. If it feels like the right thing to do, it is. I'll say prayers for you and your strength and your family. Love the children and hug them and take good care of yourself, please.
 
I got to say that happiness is a funny thing. Just be careful that you are actually unhappy with him and not yourself. You can't divorce yourself.
 
You're emotional right now. Try to put them to the side if you can and think rationally. My emotions caused me to make some mistakes that I now regret--the "if I had just done that then".

When I went for my divorce consultation, the lawyer just gave me a heads up on what to expect. Divorce has a grieving period where emotions can go from one extreme to another--i.e. my ex balled up in the corner crying like a baby, to absolute anger, to harrassing, etc.

Just keep that in mind--hope for the best but expect the worse--just in case.
 
Personaly your making a mistake by not asking for help with your kids or dividing at least some of your stuff :nono:.Been there done that.Course I was married to a NUT case before and figured not taking him for anything would help but it didn't. He still stuck on my heels and my child for year's telling me how to raise my child etc. even though he wasn't giving me a dime of child support.Finaly got rid of him but lucky. My youngest daughter has a 9 month old son now and sorry to say he has a deadbeat dad 19.She is trying to dump him now he got threw out of our house because he lived here 8 months worked all of 2 weeks and and We have been supporting the baby paying all of the bill's.I stay on my daughter constantly don't let him live free and not helping he made baby too!
 
I will pray for you and your family, I agree with kristoefer' saying about making sure. I was in your shoes many years ago and did just what you are talking about, and to avoid the guilt I left everything. Now I look back and realize I was mostly unhappy with me and not us. Everything did work out after years, but first I had to learn to be happy with me and not rely on anyone else for that. Or blame anyone else for my unhappiness. Just something to think about. Take what you can use and leave what you can't.
 
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